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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » February 13th, 2015, 7:54 pm

I've really fallen out of the habit of writing in my journal. Maybe it's because it feels like nothing good ever happens anymore. Well, that might be a bit overdramatic. But it was easier to write when things were, well, easier.

We haven't lost ground in Highmaul, at least – though now there's the Blackrock Foundry to take. We need greater numbers if we're to make any progress. But Sanctuary isn't a guild one joins lightly, and the pool we can draw from is limited. That we've been able to mount these assaults at all is more than I expected at the start. Still, we could do more if we had more to join us on these forays. We've gotten by with finding mercenaries to hire and have had some success in the Foundry so far relying on them.

And on other fronts… well, things haven't been so great.

Grimal decided to lecture me on sending Naheal to scout Aerie Peak. It was the last straw. I really let him have it. It's easy to judge from the sidelines, or even better, after the fact. I'm pretty sure his coping mechanism in life is to believe he's unappreciated and that's the cause of all his woes, but I'm not going to indulge it any longer.

I'm not one to try to demand respect… I know it's earned. But I won't tolerate disrespect. I'll listen to dissenting opinions. I won't listen to someone who plainly thinks I have no idea what I'm doing, and condescends after I explain my reasoning. I spend my every waking moment looking for the best course of action for Sanctuary. Show me someone who cares more than I do, and then I'll set aside my own opinion.

Getting the same kind of treatment from Naheal, though, one of my own guildmembers… That was disheartening. I'd thought, when he first joined, that I sensed the same spirit in him. I thought I could tell when someone believed. Truly believed. But I was wrong.

This conflict is making it all too clear that not everyone is cut out for what Sanctuary requires. It requires everything.

For awhile at the start of this, when I was presented frustrating scenario after frustrating scenario, I was starting to think that maybe I was being unreasonable in some ways. Maybe I was being impractical, and it would endanger everything I aim to serve and protect. Playing by the rules when the other side doesn't is crippling. And, as Jinsai said, you can't help anyone when you're dead. But then I stood before the Grim onslaught… and if I'd died there, I realized I would have no regrets in the afterlife. Even if living meant I could have saved a hundred more innocent lives, I could never have lived with myself had I sacrificed a dozen to do it. My job is not judge or arbiter. It never will be.

I don't begrudge those who decide that this path isn't for them. People have the right to seek their own safety and happiness first and foremost. But the moment you start believing that the ends justify the means… that's the moment you've lost the path you claim to follow. That's the moment you start becoming everything you fight against.

I should speak to Vilmah or Nojinbu soon… I need to hear from someone who understands. And maybe… check to make sure I'm not losing touch. I am so sure as I write these words, surer than anything else in the world, but there are many who have more experience than I do and it wouldn't serve Sanctuary if I didn't seek their advice. I wrote the oath that tells us to set aside our pride and this is the least I can do to live by it.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » February 17th, 2015, 3:34 pm

I just keep thinking that I don't know what else I could have done.

For so long I believed that there was a sharp, bright line that divided the people of this world. Those who believe the ends don't justify the means, and those that do. Those who believe justice can't be bent, and those who think it can and that it's still then justice. Anyone who once believed in Sanctuary and turned away from it, I felt had never truly believed.

But I watched him grow disillusioned. He started out wanting to do the right thing. In the end, he concluded that that wasn't what Sanctuary stands for.

I could say that he's just another who never actually believed. That would be the easy way to avoid cognitive dissonance. But that wouldn't help anyone. Not him. Not me. Not Sanctuary.

Even so... I have no idea what to do with him now.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » February 25th, 2015, 4:36 pm

I wonder if I should have mentioned to the new recruits, Dredaega and Bogartz, that we're embroiled in wars on three fronts right now. At least the Grim haven't made any sallies in our direction... but this curse business is troubling, and the Iron Horde continue to pose a problem to the Horde as a whole. Hopefully, these recruits won't find they've signed up for anything they're not prepared to face. Most that are drawn to Sanctuary don't.

Naheal is being stupid again. He seems to think afflicting himself with the curse might somehow accomplish something. Note, he doesn't have any evidence it will. But if there's some minor chance, no matter how ridiculous, he feels obligated to throw his life away at the first opportunity. How am I supposed to talk sense into that? I can't. And what orders I give him I'm sure he'll disregard if he thinks it's for the greater good. Nevermind that he can't help anyone if he's.......

...I'm going to have to think about that.

...

Strangely, I'm beginning to get used to this constant conflict. If running from one emergency into another is how it's always going to be, I'm prepared to handle that. I'm prepared to handle Lilliana and Grimal and Konro and whoever else wants to block my path. If there's something out there that can deter me, I haven't encountered it yet.

Funny, when I first wrote the vows, I thought I would need to revise them over time. So far, that doesn't appear to be the case. Except maybe the fourth one. I really should have called it "self-sacrifice" instead of just "sacrifice" because people get confused when I mention it. Not sure if I want to keep it the way it is just for the sake of tradition at this point, though.

But I often wondered if I would change over time... I'm well aware this is my first campaign; that I'm barely out of training. That I have little real-world experience, and that my assumptions can safely be assumed to have a touch of naivety. I questioned myself with Jinsai. With Naheal. With Saphiara.

Am I changing? I am, but there's no compromising involved. No changing of the core values that I have always known were true. I told Kex'ti recently that it's an obligation to me. I've led a privileged life... I've never been visited by tragedy, maligned by fate, stricken by the greed of another in any measure that could be considered significant. I was born with privilege and also the sight to see that not everyone was. Everywhere I look, injustice. Everywhere I look, an opportunity to help. And how can I not?

I know I'll make mistakes. I know I have made mistakes. But I can never stop trying, never believe I should stop trying.

There's got to be some reasonable place to draw the line, though. I won't throw away my life for a bare chance at a slim benefit. Yet I would to save a town full of innocents, even though in both cases, that means in the end I could do no more. Where is the line... How do I defend it?
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » March 23rd, 2015, 8:25 pm

Sanctuary has been quiet lately. Every single one of my officers is busy attending to their own matters. Durk'atar has his hands full with Saphiara; Vilmah and Nojinbu are pursuing the underground avenues; Kargron has been gone on sojourn for months; Cerryan has been occupied with personal matters; Cylindryl had to take a hiatus as well; and who knows where Grisch is. I still see a few sworn members around the garrison every day, but most of them are attending to regular matters in Draenor or Azeroth at the Warchief's command. Since Naheal quit, it feels like it's effectively just Kex'ti and I left to pursue Sanctuary's uppermost goals.

If I could only choose one person to stand by me, though... it would be him.

Makul and I broke up. I'd been busy with Sanctuary, he with his assignments, and while we care for each other and enjoy each other's company, it just didn't feel like it was going to go anywhere. The feeling was mutual. I still hope to maintain a good relationship with him, and will always be grateful for his thoughtfulness when I needed it.

But... new opportunities are good. I'd forgotten what a rush a new relationship is like, not that I have a lot of experience with such things. He seems just as enthusiastic, though. So at least if I'm being an idiot, I'm not alone in that.

I think it's okay that Sanctuary has been quiet. Such things tend to rise and fall in cycles. Like the phoenix, if maybe not always so dramatically. Sanctuary is a home for many; though they may wander, they will always return. I will hold down the fort, and keep Sanctuary's lantern lit for them when they do. We'll work with what we have. Sanctuary always has.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » April 15th, 2015, 4:32 pm

4/11/15

Some things are perfectly obvious to me. Right and wrong. Fair and unfair. Justice and cruelty. I'm sure some people think I'm merely naive, and haven't experienced enough to understand the complexities of it all, but somehow I don't think that's true. The right path has always been clear to me. I could never lose track of it.

Yet... some things are not so clear.

My first relationship lasted five months. It didn't seem complicated, despite certain things. He came from a different point of view than I did, but despite that, I knew I could trust him. We understood and respected each other. In the end, that wasn't enough for me; and that was all there was to it. On my end.

He came back after it was over and demanded to know why that wasn't enough. I couldn't find an answer except that someone else made me happier. He left, but the things he said lingered.

And then... this.

I don't know how I could have been so blind to what was happening. I can try to use my lack of experience with relationships as an excuse, but I don't feel it is. I should have known better. I should have been thinking of him. I should have been thinking of myself differently. But I didn't. It just... didn't feel wrong.

It does now.

I've never been so careless of another in my life. I never want to be again.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » April 15th, 2015, 4:33 pm

No one has seen him in days. I can't concentrate on anything else.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » April 20th, 2015, 8:50 pm

Kex'ti is safe... I'm sure he'll recover. He's strong. That's one of the things that drew me to him. This won't change that.


...


I'll worry about other things later. I just can't right now.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » April 29th, 2015, 5:23 pm

This business about an Alliance terrorist is troublesome. I'm still not sure I believe him. He could have planted it there himself. And those dockets... Anyone could have assembled those. Who is to say if someone named Morinth is responsible?

Still, what he said about the Grim gave me pause. Darrethy had asked me if I thought everyone in the Grim was the same, and I, admittedly reluctantly, said I didn't. But I said it was enough that they all stood by their belief in "peace through annihilation". Yet... what if some of them don't truly believe that? I don't understand, though, why, then, would they wear those colors.

Darrethy did make me see one thing. I will never trust Lilliana, but she did not take an opportunity to hurt Sanctuary when she could have. Still, in the end it's moot. I know where her loyalties lie, and I know how easily they can be pressed between ideals as high as those both the Grim and Sanctuary espouse.

...I'm not sure I can see myself taking a vacation.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » May 8th, 2015, 8:30 pm

Nothing but a dream. Yet it felt momentous... Did nothing change? Or did everything? I still can't sort it out.

I asked him to help me rewrite the oaths. None of them are wrong... but they're missing something. Something important. I'll see if we can't figure it out together.

Then my father showed up.

I can't believe his claim that it was his intention all along to hone my will by making a martyr out of my friend, and that it was successful. I just can't believe that. I have never been manipulated in my life; I have always seen the true path and followed it. I have never gone astray despite what anyone else said or did to influence me. This is where I would have ended up regardless. All he did was make Naheal suffer.

I'm not sure why I agreed to let him swear the oaths. But if this is what he wanted of me... he had better be prepared to deal with it.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » May 14th, 2015, 10:44 am

It feels good to be getting recruits again. Sanctuary is not something to which just anyone can commit, so I know our numbers will never be as great as some. Kex'ti's words aside, I understand that. But I wouldn't have Sanctuary any other way.

I spoke to Lilliana, though it was pointless. She seems to think the conflict between Sanctuary and the Grim can be solved through simple request. No more than a single statement exchanged with Khorvis proved otherwise. They see us as traitors to the Horde, an infection that must be cut out. There is nothing we can do to convince them differently; we lack the martial strength to impress them, the only thing they understand. Our beliefs are just at complete odds. They believe our ways will doom the Horde. We know that theirs will doom everyone.

That reminds me. I wonder what Darrethy's problem was. He was spoiling for a fight and seized the first excuse to start one. It's always been like that between us, though. Quick to snap at each other. But he's not the first who's overeager to condemn me and Sanctuary, and he's far from the last as well. If I took it to heart, I'd give up.

I wonder if I'll be able to enjoy myself on vacation. I don't even own a swimsuit...
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