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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » June 19th, 2015, 10:53 am

If I can write a journal entry, I can handle the meeting tonight.

I think Kex'ti is the only one who realizes there's anything wrong. Of course I've left most of Sanctuary's running to him since I woke up, and the only other person I've spoken to at any length is Naheal. I don't think he realized, though.

It's the words. I can't find the words anymore. I'll be speaking and then, right in the middle, the concept I had in mind just doesn't come to my lips. To compensate, I've started speaking with simpler words, for fear the bigger ones won't come out.

How ironic is it that I can't find the words to explain things anymore? I, who am in charge of forming and directing Sanctuary's singular philosophy. Who has spent so much time debating with others, trying to explain, justify, and defend our position. Now I couldn't argue my way out of a wet paper bag.

I dread facing doubters now. They would surely seize the opportunity to interpret my struggles as a problem with the philosophy's defensibility. At best, I would seem weak, and Sanctuary cannot afford to seem weak.

It's not just the words either, though they are arguably worse. My left side is weaker, slower. My shield arm. Again, how... Oh no, what is the word. When something has a meaning. I can't even figure out how to describe it.

– Symbolic.

That took me about ten minutes to remember. It's so frustrating. I don't know if I can do the meeting tonight. I should just have Kex'ti go.

The medics say the brain is hard to heal. You can regrow the neurons, but it's hard to put them back exactly the way they were. Memory loss is common after head injuries. Disabilities less so, but not unheard of after significant injuries.

I remember the water filling my lungs. It burned. Drowning is not a peaceful way to die despite what they say.

They say you can relearn, though... get better. It's only been a few days. I must be patient with myself.

The Grim and Morinth have no reason to wait around, though.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » June 26th, 2015, 2:33 pm

It's so frustrating. I don't even want to try talking most of the time. Why bother saying anything when it's not going to come out right? I was never much of a speech-giver... I never had a head for flowery words or fancy rhetoric. But I could always say what I meant to say. Now I just can't. And I end up snapping at others because of it.

If anyone is going to make someone snap at them, though, it's Naheal. He manages to be so ... overbearing. That's not the right word, but it's close enough. There are times when he just assumes too much. I keep in mind that he only does it because he cares, but even that didn't stop me from telling him to just go away. I knew he'd take it hard, but I just couldn't take any more. It didn't help that he was at least partly right. I could be doing more; I could be advancing Sanctuary's cause further, even with the limited manpower we have. There is wisdom in laying low for now, and I'm definitely not in peak condition currently, but Sanctuary is needed. It is always needed.

We made up. It was... strange. No, not strange, but different. It feels like something changed. We've been at odds in some ways since we met, again, but it feels like we moved past something. I don't know that we'll have that sort of fight again.

The Tanaan Offensive is shaping up well. Everyone is making good inroads into Tanaan and we've almost acquired all the resources we'll need to begin mounting full-scale assaults on the Citadel. A full roster will be taken after next week. Kex'ti is doing most of the organizing, and doing an excellent job at it. I should have promoted him to officership sooner, but was worried it would look like nepotism. I suppose it will anyway to those who choose to see it that way, and for any others, his conduct and achievements will speak for themselves.

Not that he has any problem speaking for himself.

Maybe a little. It was difficult for him to talk to me, but I guess that's my fault. I don't... show weakness. To anyone. I know when I am weak; I'm not always strong. I make mistakes, suffer failures. But I don't ever feel the need to seek comfort or reassurance. I appreciate it when it's given. But I don't look for it. I grew up without it and I don't need it now. And I guess some people think that's... I don't know. Intimidating. At the very least, it makes them feel unneeded.

Of course I need others. No one is an island. It's just... different.

I chose to be with Kex'ti because our beliefs align. Because I can rely on him. Because he's always moving. Because he makes me think. Because he understands how I think. Not because I'm looking for someone to rescue me from the burdens I've chosen to shoulder. I hope that's not what he wants.

Time to go practice. I need to practice extra if I'm doing to get over this lingering damage.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » July 6th, 2015, 10:44 am

I don't know where to begin with this entry. I'm almost surprised I can bring myself to write about it. There is only one person in the world I could ever bring myself to talk to about it. And if I didn't have Kex'ti, I can't imagine where I would be right now.

I always knew I was naive. But I thought I could compensate, knowing it. The evils the Grim were capable of were never, strictly speaking, a surprise. Jinsai's betrayal, I saw coming; I didn't miss the signs. Saphiara, I was able to handle. But this... This was an unfathomably great blind spot. I knew what he was capable of; I knew. I just thought it would never be me that had to face the consequences.

In a way, it's good that this happened to me. Now my eyes are opened. And I won't let him continue to do evil to others. No more excuses. No more understanding. I won't let Naheal hurt anyone else.

I won't hesitate if Lilliana attacks me again, either. Whatever license she had earned is thoroughly revoked.

I will recover.

Sanctuary cannot be destroyed. It will rise, again and again.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » August 6th, 2015, 10:45 am

7/9/15

I hate seeing him. Having him anywhere nearby feels awful. I can control myself, but I just hate that he goes on like nothing is wrong. The letter was meaningless, as meaningless as every time he ever said he valued freedom, that there were lines he wouldn't cross, or smiled at me. He tells himself he believes in these things to balm his conscience, but he's ultimately given lie to every claim.

I just had to get that out. I'll get over it eventually, I'm sure.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » August 6th, 2015, 10:47 am

7/20/15

The Tanaan Offensive is doing extremely well. The group members' abilities complement each other and everyone follows directions without issue. There have been no fights or other disruptions, other than a few snarky comments, including maybe one or two I let slip, but nothing any one of us can't ignore. It reminds me of back before Saphiara, when we used to work with the Grim on a regular basis. Things have certainly changed, but I didn't feel any differently about their philosophy then than I do now. I'm sure some would be surprised to hear that, but it's true.

I never expected it would be easier to fight side-by-side with Awatu than Naheal, though. Both of them think their decisions, their philosophy, is justified... Both of them believe they fight only for the wellbeing of others, and to protect what they care about. And both do irreparable harm while pursuing their goals. But I'd once thought Naheal's path ran parallel to mine. At least with the Grim there was never any confusion. I appreciate that about them, as faint praise as that really is.

It's good to have Kargron back. We've only had one long conversation, but it confirmed that he and I still share the same views for Sanctuary. He was my first officer and I feel better knowing he's behind me again. Cerryan, too, is around more now, and although he's certainly been under a lot of stress, I hope to see him come out of it stronger and more sure. One doesn't don the purple and gold without being tested, and over and over again at that. Vilmah's journals showed me that much. Hard to believe it's been almost a year since that, now... Actually, just a month away.

Siané has been doing well as an ambassador to the Alliance. I hope to arrange another meeting with Twilight Empire soon to strengthen our bonds. I should reach out to Donnelly again, or maybe one of the other officers. Also, Kiraleen. We were to have a gathering with the Outriders this summer but it didn't pan out. I need to make an effort to maintain these connections, although politics were never appealing to me. It will help to have Kex'ti accompanying me.

Always more to do. Guess I'll get to it.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » August 6th, 2015, 12:02 pm

I'm tired of being weak.

I re-read my earlier journal entries, all of them. I used to be so much more deliberate -- ponderous, even. I've been worried that I'd grown rash and impatient, but I realized that that wasn't the case. Back when I first raised Sanctuary's banner again, I was untried and untested, and I knew it well enough to move only with caution. No more. It changed with Aerie Peak; with Accalia. This may still be my first campaign, but I know exactly where I stand.

Yet apparently that's on the losing side.

We would have been slaughtered if Taozhu hadn't managed to get us out of there in time. I barely remember what I did or said after. I called everyone in. I tried to shore up Cerryan. Kex'ti said something to me. What did he even say? I can't remember. I don't know where he went. I only really remember talking to Lohd.

I have to be stronger. Sanctuary needs to be stronger. I knew we wouldn't be popular; I knew we'd be mocked. I wasn't prepared to be completely sidelined. There must be something we can do without inviting annihilation.

For now, we'll spend our efforts on surviving.

Until the next Aerie Peak. We will not retreat when we are the only ones standing between innocents and death.

But next time, I don't think there will be timely reinforcements.

We have to be stronger.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » August 10th, 2015, 10:37 am

He unhinges me so quickly. It's completely irrational. Certainly I have every reason to distrust and even despise him, but I have to keep my head. I realize that now, after the pointlessness of all the shouting was made perfectly clear. It was so ridiculous. We were in agreement the whole time.

I read the contract more thoroughly after he left and his people were situated. It's very basic. That's fine. But I need to talk to him again. I'm going to compose a letter after this. I've been trying to figure out what to say for the last three hours.

And I need to speak to people tonight. We have to be prepared. There can be no more losses. Not needless ones.

I'm so glad Kex'ti is beside me, supportive of me in this. I always have something to fall back on because he's there.

I don't want to live without him.
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Julilee
Julilee
Posts: 124
Joined: August 24th, 2014, 2:13 pm
Julilee

Re: Julilee's Journal

Postby Julilee » August 11th, 2015, 10:54 am

He was the last one I would have asked for help two days ago. But somewhere between the shouting match and the guild meeting, it stopped mattering. What he did. It wasn't just setting it aside, either; something changed. Inside. I'm committed to this path now. There's no time to waste on grudges. Or regret. There's only one thing that matters.

Justice.

We've agreed to combine our forces. Sanctuary and Borrowed Time will share a garrison, and together fight the Grim and Serinar. On the latter subject, it turns out Borrowed Time has the companions Zhên was looking for. It all makes sense in the end.

I don't believe in fate; it's all too clear that the future can be dramatically altered. But there are ties that bind people together and they cannot be broken.

Maybe Kargron, Taozhu, and others are right, and we should just keep biding our time. That we should stay passive, and show the better part of valor, of honor. I'm under no illusions about how it can be harder to not act than to act at times. But I don't see any other option that won't end in the destruction of Sanctuary. I'm not afraid to die, and I know justice never will, but I don't want to die in vain, without ever really fighting for what I believe in. And if I let any of Sanctuary do that, I've committed a worse sin than simply getting them killed.

This is what we have to do.






Kex'ti will probably die in the fighting. There's no chance he'll stay back. And I haven't found anything that will help him, just slow the disease. I'm going to take him back to the monastery for another procedure before the battle, but I don't think it will be enough. And yet I can barely bring myself to see him these last few days. He has to know. But he knew all along. I was the one who didn't.
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